Who are you?

"A question I've been trying to answer since adolescence. I finally decided I was neither God nor Satan. I was so disappointed I didn't try to narrow it down any further."

-Orson Scott Card, The Worthing Saga

It's getting rough around here

Living on the Northside has become utterly unbearable. The Stalkers are everywhere. Yesterday I spent the whole afternoon up in a tree because the squirrels were everywhere... watching me. They come to my house, sit on my eaves, and scare all the birds away. I had to resort to bringing Billy a mouse for a present which was really embarrassing after last week's run of sparrows and -the highlight- a red-headed woodpecker. (I only ate a little bit of his head feathers, too, so he still looked pretty. Billy was so pleased he threw an entire can of tuna at me. Anybody got a can opener?)

But these squirrels, man, like I was sayin, they're really starting to get to me. I can't focus. I almost got eaten by Sarge the Unwashed German Shepherd the other day because I was distracted by one of the stalker-squirrels in The Big Oak Tree. Good thing I got serious vertical... but that shit was demoralizing.

Anyway, I talked to Sparkles The Maine Coon down the road and she said that it's happening to her too. They're everywhere. They called inspections on her litter pan and wrote on the internet that she's actually a TABBY. The horror! THAT'S DEFAMATION! I'm glad to know it's not just me. But, I gotta get outta here. The stress is overwhelming. These fucking squirrels just want to ruin me because I'm awesome and all the dogs like me (except Sarge but that's just because he's maladjusted.) What do they care anyway? It's not like I'm competing for their nuts or anything. It's all so wrong. I didn't even tell on them for digging up the tulips. Bastards. Sparkles got one of their tails though. That was awesome. He doesn't come around anymore now. Serves him right.

Meow.

-Puzzle


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Da Bomb

This is the best thing I've seen all day.

these children make me meshugenah

Hi, my name is Billy and I'm here to inform you that I hate your children.

I know it's wrong and everything, especially since once upon a time, in a neighborhood far-far away, I was also a drooling brat who longed for little more than to sneak away to 7-Eleven up the street with other, similarly-inclined drooling brats, in search of Big League Chew and those hideous candy cigarettes which laid the groundwork for our future lung-cancer treatment needs.

We were all kids once, and I feel confident in stating that we were all annoying to some degree, particularly to those folks not forced to love us by sheer law of blood connection.  

But here's the difference:  When we did that, back in those days, it was rare.  Why was it rare?  I'll tell why - because if we got caught we'd get our ASSES BEAT.  See, at five, six, seven, or whatever we all were, we were not allowed to so much as CROSS THE STREET, much less traverse the block and a half to the big, bad, BUSY STREET where 7-Eleven was located.  Oh hell no.

But these days?  Well just set me up a lawn-chair with a broom to whack the kidlings and call me curmudgeon, cuz these little bastards are off the hook.  For starters, forget about not crossing the street - these kids walk ONLY in the street.  Um, what the fuck do my tax dollars pay for cracked sidewalk replacement, people?  Why bother HAVING SIDEWALKS?  Jesus H, we should just become like New Hope and get rid of the damned things altogether in North Minneapolis, since hardly anyone ever uses them.

But really, I know, I knowwwww.... it's the parents.  It's always the parents.  At least that's what my therapist tells me.  

Here's what's frightening though:

Even though I hate them, these children are our future, as they say.  These loud-mouthed urchins who spent all summer running the streets doing whatever they wanted because mom and dad were either at work, stoned, not paying attention, or whatever, allowing their progeny to race through the streets throwing footballs at passing vehicles and breaking the windows of vacant houses, are OUR FUTURE, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

Is anybody else afraid?